An English Journal

The misfortunes and happinesses of me

Month: January, 2013

Light A Candle

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday!

I’ve got a pretty good reason why though. My wedesndays sometimes drive me insane. They’re so hectic! First of all, 

Lessons till 2:15

2:30 – 3:30: Community and Service

3:30 – 4:15: Free Time, which sounds like a lot but don’t be fooled. It takes about 10 minutes to walk back to House and then I have to watch some TV, tidy my room and then change.

4:30 – 5:50: Orchestra + Camerata (string group ie. violins, cellos, double basses)

6:00 – 7:00: Chapel Choir

7:00 – 7:30: Dinner

7:30 – 9:00: Phantom Of the Opera Rehearsals (By the way, this is going to be amazing and I love Patrick’s (the guy who plays Raoul) voice. It’s actually so ridiculously beautiful.

9:00- 9:20: Shower and change

9:20 – 10:00: Prep (which if you remember from my previous posts means homework)

10:00 – 10:45: House Singing Rehearsal (which is this silly competition between Houses here. My violin teachers love to call it “House Shout” because most Houses aren’t exactly very good at singing altogether. Plus, it gets a little rowdy at times when some houses just want to screw around – which is of course, tradition.

10:45 – 11:00: More Prep

Now, I could work longer but I’m kind of really sick so sleeping late probably wouldn’t be such a great idea.

ANYWAY. So. Today.

I just came back from Phantom rehearsals during which we rehearsed act 1 and it’s getting good! The performance is in exactly 11 days time and I am so excited. They’re putting up the sets and chandelier and everything right now. I can’t wait to see what it looks like! But yeah, 11 days only. 11 days and then it’s all gone. I’ve made so many friends during the course of being in this musical. I absolutely loved every single bit of it. Plus, I’m a HUGE Phantom geek. I read fanfictions and everything. Yep. I profess, I’m obsessed. 

But yeah, I’ve made so many friends and I can’t imagine what would have happened if I didn’t get to know those people. Some people say that joining things like orchestra or choir or whatever actually connects you to people and that is something that I find to be utterly true. Just today, I had dinner with my phantom friends and when I walked through the music school Phin said hi to me and yeah I’ve just made so many friends through theatre and music. 

Okay now we come to the title of this entry. Basically as I was walking back to House. I bumped into Sonny, who’s mum was Jackie Tyler in Doctor Who just by the way. You know, no big deal. Especially if you’re a crazy Whovian like me! But yeah, so I bumped into him and he said that he wanted to light a candle at chapel but he couldn’t open the door. So I helped him get in and we lit candles together. I sincerely hope he never finds my blog because he’ll probably think I’m crazy obsessed but I’m not. It was nice that’s all. However, in my excitement to light that candle, I completely forgot to make a wish so now, I’m making one. It still counts. I insist upon it. So here goes. 

There. Done. So, the lighting of the candle is really just symbolic of how you can open so many doors for yourself, make friends, build connections and as cheesy as it sounds, genuinely enrich your life. Being a loner is so overrated. So don’t be one! Get out there and do stuff. Find a friend and light your own candle in chapel and make that wish because there’s so much of the world out there and it’s time you started to really see it and love it.

Until tomorrow,

A.

PS: Catch my song of the day here. It’s Phantom time!

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Go Away, Cough.

Am I supposed to be keeping this journal daily? Nah, who am I kidding?

However, I do apologise. I had every intention to write over the weekend but I had to take a train to London right after school and there, I was just having loads of fun shopping and watching Pirates of the Caribbean with Jonathan (my cousin) to write. Sounds bad, I know but it was great fun! I ate so much as well. Basically, right before, I was started to get on a roll with this whole diet thing and I was actually able to skip out lunch on most days and just have breakfast, dinner and two small snacks in between but after that weekend, I’m back to eating quite a lot again! So anonying. I mean, I obviously don’t want to overdo it but I could shed a few kilos. I’m not actually measuring by weight. I’m just going to go by how I look. Just until my thighs get straighter instead of more curvy and my hips lose their fat. Then, I’m done. Pretty good way to lose weight I think. I mean what’s the point of losing weight if you don’t look the way you want to? Lose until you look like what you want to look like right? But don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be a damn hard and long process. I love food.

But yes, I got my politics test and I got…drumroll please….A 6 out of 7!! Given I just got a 6 – literally on the dot, but still. It’s a 6 none the less. I just have to work on those source questions. My actually essay was really good but the source questions let me down a little. Oh well, at least I’m improving! I honestly expected to get a 5, especially since I got a 4 last time! Also, I’m supposed to be doing my mandarin homework right now but man is it boring. My chemistry is even worse though. At least I know how to do the mandarin homework. I just have no idea how to do the chem. I’ll have to ask Hannah later, she’s really good at chemistry. Well, sometimes. Sometimes I’m better but generally she’s better. Great thing about boarding school is that there’s a wealth of people just waiting to be asked for help. Well, maybe they don’t like being asked for help but I really need that chem done. So, things left to do today:

  • Mandarin Comprehension
  • Chem
  • Bio Revision
  • Violin Practice
  • Phantom of the Opera Rehearsal?

I think I might actually have to skip out of the rehearsal. My throat actually hurts from this really bad cough – hence the title of this entry. I’m pretty sure there is something wrong with my throat. Seriously, no one gets coughs as often as I do. I’ve had like what, at least 3 major ones in 4 months. It’s actually ridiculous. There must be so much scarring all along my esophagus. And it’s not just the normal cough either. It starts off as a soar throat for about 4 days, then slowly progresses into a cough that actually hurts my lungs until it reaches the point where phlegm acts up and it hurts to cough just as much. It’s the worst. I should see the doctor. Problem is, the doctors here suck. And the nurse, wow are the nurses here completely useless. Last time I had a cough so bad I swear it lasted at least 3 weeks for me to fully recover and all she did was give me painkillers, lemsip and the occasional ibuprofen and paracetemol, which let me tell you – does nothing. If I broke my arm she’d probably just give me a lemsip and a paracetemol and send me on my way.

Yep. Definitely not going to rehearsal tonight. There’s no way I can sing. It’s actually ridiculous. Okay, I have to finish this work.

Until tomorrow,

A.

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PS: Snow melted 😦 but at least it’s warm!

PPS: I didn’t get into that Oxford thing 😦

PPPS: Check out my song of the day here 🙂

The Turning Point

Today….Today has been incredible.

It really is the turning point. Everything has just gone right today. Where shall I start? Right. Okay, classes. Chemistry. Okay, I may have done science for years but I still am susceptible to messing up my practicals. I was kind of the only one in class who screwed mine up last time but today, I was adamant to get it right and well, it wasn’t perfect but it was pretty good. Also, the sulphur precipitate that we ended up collecting from that experiment really did smell disgusting. Then, was violin class. Now, I’ve haven’t had much time to practice during the past week so during the past few days I’ve been doing extra intense practice and I guess it payed off because my teacher was so pleased she gave me a good TS. 

*TS stands for teacher signature and if you get a good one it kind of results in your housemistress/tutor commending you and getting a Forrero Rocher awarded to you during house meetings – It’s a boarding school thing.

Then came maths. Man, am I back on the roll. I was back to my usual saying the answers before everyone else and as the teacher was figuring them out. Feels really good. I’m just going to have to work hard to kick that previous test completely out of site until my teacher completely forgets about it. It’ll be like those tests where you joke and laugh about it and go “how stupid was I then?” You know? It’s going to be great.

Next, biology. Today was a debate class about cloning (both therapeutic and reproductive) and genetically modified organisms. It was such an amazing debate. The thing is, I love science debates because science keeps advancing and therefore the problems keep changing and the thing is, the answer is never definitive so you can really have a properly good discussion. I mean, it’s just for some debates it’s obvious that one side is definitively going to win simply because their situation is best but in science, that wasn’t the case and I don’t know. I mean, it was just really intellectual, which was amazing. To be honest, the people in my class are pretty damn amazing. They’re just so smart and quick to respond. It’s really great.

Lastly, gym. I actually had a good workout. Burnt more than I have in a long time! And Phantom of the Opera. Oh, Phantom. You take up so much of my time but man is it worth it. It’s really fun and guess what? I get my own moment in it! Basically, the guy playing the conductor is supposed to play the piano except he in real life doesn’t know how so the head of music who is co-directing the play was like “Oh, well Alison can play the piano very well.” And I was like, 😀 So yeah. I get my moment. This is when having a music scholarship and being on great terms with the head of the arts/music comes to good use. 

And now, I have a politics thing to prep for but I can do that during lunch time tomorrow. And, right now, I’m just going to change into my PJs and read some poetry to prep for my English lesson tomorrow. 

Life’s good. And yes, this is a turning point. And like I said yesterday, if I got over that phase of depression I’d bounce back strong and here I am and I’ve done it and it feels good.

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So remember, when you lose the way. Just take a step back and remember, you’ll get through it. 

Until tomorrow,

A.

 

I’m Alright

I’ve suddenly found myself saying that a lot recently. I wonder if I actually mean it though. I mean, I’m getting better. Seriously, my teachers are the best. I went to see my biology teacher today to ask for some help and he said he knew I was working hard and that he would find an hour after school just to help me and I am truly grateful. Chemistry…well, I’ll make sure that I buck up. Chinese too. I will improve me Chinese writing if it’s the last thing I do. I’m definitely feeling better than yesterday but now I’m tired. Man, being depressed is exhausting! Word of advice, don’t do it. It’s a little pointless and just leaves you feeling like crap.

I’ve been asked so far, by Fran, Ian, Mr. Amy (English teacher) and Mr. White (Maths teacher) if I’m alright and honestly, I’m not particularly but who I am to burden other people with my problems right? This one, I’ve just got to figure out on my own because I know that when I get through this I will inevitably be a stronger person and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m almost there. So maybe the title of this post is a little misleading. The better phrase would, I guess, be “I’ll Be Alright”. 

So yeah, short post today because I have quite a lot of prep (british boarding school language for homework) that I have to finish by tonight. I’ve got Biology, Politics and English!

Until tomorrow,

A.

 

What is Depression?

Yeah, I know I said one post per day but I really have to get this down. Forgive the pun, but I really am not feeling good. I know I know, the previous post was all about motivation and all but seriously I can’t continue if I don’t write this. I’ve never felt like this before and it’s probably the worst feeling in the world. I’m not sure if it’s depression because I’ve never felt it before. Seriously. I used to think that depression was seriously just for idiots who couldn’t just get their act together and get on with life. But maybe I am fighting a bout of it. I’m not sure. All I feel is scared – scared and hopeless. I find it so hard to come to terms with the progress grades that I have just gotten because they don’t reflect me progress at all.

They’re just stupid grades that I got on tests that (although I studied like crazy for them) I just so happen to bomb. It’s definitely not a reflection of my capability. I think the worst is thinking about my parents. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Well of course that’s the problem. This girl’s got crazy Asian parents who don’t understand that sometimes failures happen. Yeah. Well that’s not my problem. My parents will get over these progress grades, but honestly, if I don’t get my shit together I have no idea what I’ll do, honestly. That and you have no idea how disappointed they’ll be. They’ll be beyond disappointed and just thinking about it honestly brings tears to my eyes. It’s just that they want me to succeed to much that just thinking about letting them down..I don’t know.

So, that’s my problem. Goodness knows how I’m going to sleep tonight. Verdict. Am I depressed? Maybe. I still don’t know. I guess it’s at time like these when I resent the fact that I’m at boarding school. I really need my parents. They have no idea just how badly I’ve done. I told them a lie and said that I got good grades when really I didn’t. I can’t stand it knowing that I’ve lied to them and just waiting for them to find out the inevitable when reports go out. I’m honestly not sure if I’m fit to go to school tomorrow. Hahaha sounds like I’ve just gotten out of rehab. But honestly, I’m not ready to face classes. But then again, I am so afraid that I’ll miss something important in class.

I swear, this blog was never meant to be so depressing but I guess what with recent events I need to write it down somewhere. Yeah, I know, that’s what a secret diary is for or something, but I’ve got a blog and I thought hey, nobody’s probably going to read it anyway. Or, maybe if someone does they’ll realise that other people are going through the same thing they are and feel better. I don’t know. But I kind of like posting my problems. It’s like my own self therapy. I guess I’d find it a bit weird if people started “liking” my posts about feeling hopeless and sad though.

Okay. I actually have to get back to my politics revision. Yep, test on Friday. Whatever it is, I will not screw this one up.

Until tomorrow,

A.

(PS: Although you see this post the day after the previous one, I did in fact write this at 11:30 ish at night that same day and there was no internet so I just wrote it so I could post it the next day.)

The Ascension (Day 1)

So if any of you read my post yesterday, you’ll know that I was feeling pretty damn crap and I guess it carried on a little into this morning because even my English teacher asked me what was wrong. But, I’m feeling a little better. I mean, like I said yesterday, the only way to go is up right? So, as part of this ascension day, I’m going to start changing my life. Sounds drastic? A little to drastic? Maybe, but I’m going to do it. First, I’m going to write that application letter for an English Study Day and St. John’s College, Oxford University. 

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Looks awesome huh? I mean, even if I don’t decide to do English, it will be a great opportunity to visit some of the other colleges and meet up with my cousin (who studies engineering there). Of course, I might not get in as there are quite a few people who want to go and only two to three people will get chosen. So, I’ll write a great application letter and hopefully I’ll get the spot. Bet you I’ll be the only Asian there!

Then, I’m going to do a little bit of chemistry, then go to the gym. After eating a snack or something, I’ll do some biology and maths. Then, I’ll have to read some poems and head on to dinner. Right after dinner, Phantom of the Opera rehearsals from 7:30 to 9:00 (I’m in the school musical). Then, I’ll practice some music until just before 10-ish. Then, come back to house, shower, and do some politics until about 11pm ish and then sleep! Okay. Time to get started on that application. I got this.

Oh and by the way, it’s a good day for cocoa here in England. If you live here, it’s freezing isn’t it! I kind of wish it would snow again though because without the snow, it’s just..cold – without the fun. Okay, okay. Application time. I have to stop procrastinating. While I write though, I of course, will be listening (maybe watching) a TV show which for today is “My Mad Fat Diary”. Now why on earth would I be watching that? Well, I don’t have the slightest clue. I was just on the 1channel homepage wandering what to watch when I just decided to click on it. It’s apparently got quite good ratings from viewers so what the hell I guess! 

Until tomorrow,

A. 

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See? School truly is beautiful when it snows ❤

 

A Wallow-y Day

Trust myself to start a blog in the middle of nowhere. And when I say nowhere, I mean, in a time of no significance. I was planning to start one in the new  year, or on my birthday – you know, significant turning points in my life, but I’m just a little bit of a procrastinator. However, I guess you could say that today is a turning point in my life. There are two very important things that happened today.

1. I got a 46/68 for my maths test.

2. I got full marks for my English essay and got my short story sent off to a competition because it was, apparently, quite good.

As I do, I will start with the second point. Now, I haven’t exactly been doing particularly well in terms of tests for any of my subjects to be honest but this maths test has to be the rock bottom. If any of you people out there do IB (International Baccalaureate) and are struggling like I am right now, I feel for you. I get it. My grades had been pretty damn good last term, with four 7s and two 6s under my belt but recently, I just haven’t been doing well in my progress tests. So far I’ve gotten (And keep in mind all those scores are out of 7.):

  • Maths: 5
  • English: 7
  • Chinese: 5
  • Chemistry: 4
  • Biology: 5

So as you can see, those grades are utterly crap. I guess the most disappointing thing is that I studied. I studied so hard for those tests, I just stayed in house for lunch and hardly ever went to dinner. All in the name of studying. That’s why it was particularly crippling to see that so much of my hard work amounted to nothing. The thing that gets me so down though is the fact that for most of those subjects, (ie. Bio, Chinese and Chemistry) I could have done so much better with just the tiniest bit more time.

I mean, they cram all six subject tests into one week and they expect us to do well with only 1 week of preparation? That and I have a ridiculously hectic schedule. The worst thing though, was my maths. Now, I understand that I may not be good at the other subjects, but I know that I’m good at maths and my teacher knows it too. I looked at my test right after and I did the stupidest things like write the answer on the working box, circle it and then write the wrong answer on the answer sheet right below. So to get a score that is so ridiculously poor was particularly depressing. But besides my teacher’s clear disappointment, I can’t bear to tell my parents back home. I just can’t bring myself to tell them. They expect so much of me. The person I let down worst however, was definitely myself. I guess that’s why I started this blog in the first place. I needed to reflect you know? Put my thoughts into words so that I can make sense of the messy turmoil that is my head right now.

As soon as I got back from maths class, got into bed and cried. Sounds immature, I know, but I really felt the worst – hence the title.

There were good things about today however, which brings me back to point 1. I’ve always loved English more than I can imagine, and doing English Higher Level in the IB is definitely not easy and I get that. That’s why I tried so hard to write an amazing essay. I practically spent 3 hours writing the perfect thesis. And as for my short story, creative writing has been one of my passions ever since I could remember and it was really great to see my hard work and passion show through. See, that’s what my life should be like. I should work hard, get good grades, be happy. But that’s not how it seems to be working out.

You know what though? This is rock bottom. I’ve really hit it. Better to hit it now than hit it before exams though right? I guess this blog is kind of a therapy. I’ll write probably everyday and just talk about how I improve from here. Hopefully by the time I get to the half term holidays, I will have improved and I’ll be in track where I want to be because screw it, screw the progress grades. I will improve and get to where I want to be. I swear it.

Until then, you’re stuck with me for a while.

A.