What is Depression?

by Alison L.

Yeah, I know I said one post per day but I really have to get this down. Forgive the pun, but I really am not feeling good. I know I know, the previous post was all about motivation and all but seriously I can’t continue if I don’t write this. I’ve never felt like this before and it’s probably the worst feeling in the world. I’m not sure if it’s depression because I’ve never felt it before. Seriously. I used to think that depression was seriously just for idiots who couldn’t just get their act together and get on with life. But maybe I am fighting a bout of it. I’m not sure. All I feel is scared – scared and hopeless. I find it so hard to come to terms with the progress grades that I have just gotten because they don’t reflect me progress at all.

They’re just stupid grades that I got on tests that (although I studied like crazy for them) I just so happen to bomb. It’s definitely not a reflection of my capability. I think the worst is thinking about my parents. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Well of course that’s the problem. This girl’s got crazy Asian parents who don’t understand that sometimes failures happen. Yeah. Well that’s not my problem. My parents will get over these progress grades, but honestly, if I don’t get my shit together I have no idea what I’ll do, honestly. That and you have no idea how disappointed they’ll be. They’ll be beyond disappointed and just thinking about it honestly brings tears to my eyes. It’s just that they want me to succeed to much that just thinking about letting them down..I don’t know.

So, that’s my problem. Goodness knows how I’m going to sleep tonight. Verdict. Am I depressed? Maybe. I still don’t know. I guess it’s at time like these when I resent the fact that I’m at boarding school. I really need my parents. They have no idea just how badly I’ve done. I told them a lie and said that I got good grades when really I didn’t. I can’t stand it knowing that I’ve lied to them and just waiting for them to find out the inevitable when reports go out. I’m honestly not sure if I’m fit to go to school tomorrow. Hahaha sounds like I’ve just gotten out of rehab. But honestly, I’m not ready to face classes. But then again, I am so afraid that I’ll miss something important in class.

I swear, this blog was never meant to be so depressing but I guess what with recent events I need to write it down somewhere. Yeah, I know, that’s what a secret diary is for or something, but I’ve got a blog and I thought hey, nobody’s probably going to read it anyway. Or, maybe if someone does they’ll realise that other people are going through the same thing they are and feel better. I don’t know. But I kind of like posting my problems. It’s like my own self therapy. I guess I’d find it a bit weird if people started “liking” my posts about feeling hopeless and sad though.

Okay. I actually have to get back to my politics revision. Yep, test on Friday. Whatever it is, I will not screw this one up.

Until tomorrow,

A.

(PS: Although you see this post the day after the previous one, I did in fact write this at 11:30 ish at night that same day and there was no internet so I just wrote it so I could post it the next day.)

Advertisements